The terrible twos are an infamous stage in life. I have been dealing with them for a while now. I have some friends who have just begun to deal with the terrible twos in a very big way. Their daughter is trying to test everything. If we could peer into that little girls mind I would say that she suddenly thought “gee, I bet with a bit of work I could run this show!” Luckily she has some great parents that love to give their kids everything they need and a lot of what they want, but not like that.
So here is a bit of advice that I have on dealing with the terrible twos and making it past that stage to future stages in life that will be more fun to deal with!
Stand Your Ground!
The terrible twos are called this mainly because the little person you are dealing with is trying to test limits and in some cases see if they can run the show. Honestly who doesn’t want to be in charge and call the shots? I believe this stage isn’t a battle between you and them, it can seem like, but rather them trying to figure out where limits are in their lives. They want to know what is going on and what will happen in their little world if they do this or that. Kids going through this aren’t disturbed, even though they may seem just a bit so.
My advice to make it through these trials is to stand your ground. If you say no to something, don’t give in because of crying or head smashing or whatever. Kids really want to know if you something when you say it. They want to know if they can trust you. If they can, they will love you even more for it.
I hate to share this example. I have seen a parent with their children try hard to stand their ground, but will usually give in to what the kid wants. The parent doesn’t want to feel like a bad person that deprives these beautiful children of something they want. The kids learn that their parent will give in on whatever they want if they just fight them long enough, not that their parent really does love them. I sincerely believe that this stage isn’t about them trying to see if you love them, but they are trying to see if they have more control than you, and if they can trust you. If you give in regularly, they learn that they control you. If you step back a bit it would be kind of funny to imagine a 2 year old controlling an adult like a puppet on a string. Also very sad for a child to learn that they can’t trust what you will say and do.
So stand your ground on certain things every time. Kids will attack when you are at your weakest and try to get you to give in.
Don’t be a Control Freak
I have seen myself battling a terrible two staged child turn into a control freak. It is a progression that is quite similar to the tantrums the two year old throws. You battle and battle over things and eventually you feel like your fighting for every square foot of ground. I begin to want to control everything because I feel like if I let them have anything then I will just be putting gasoline on the flame and letting them know they can win. When I get to this point I am no longer trying to help by setting limits, only trying to suppress them.
Being a control freak really won’t help anything. So just don’t go there. Ironically it seems that the control freak is the one who in reality has the least amount of control in their lives. This brings up the next point of advice I have.
Pick your Battles and Let Them have Some Things Their Way
You really have to stand your ground when dealing with the terrible two staged child. However you do get to pick your battles. Pick these carefully. It doesn’t matter if the kid brushes their teeth or washed their face first. If they will do both then let them do it in their order. It really is okay to let them have some control in their lives. Empowering your children is a really important thing to do. If they can act within the limits they face then I believe they should be allowed a lot of privileges and choices. So you pick what is important. If we tell them something, however unreasonable at the time, at our house that is how it is. If they comply and it was unreasonable in retrospect we are more than willing to apologize and give them what they wanted in a productive way. This goes back to setting rules and limits they can depend on so they can really trust us as parents.
When you let them know the limits and then let them choose everything else you will probably start to see a lot fewer battles on other things. We let our daughter pick her clothes, and that is big for her. For us it isn’t a big thing at all. Let them have these little things. Our kids need to eat at least the basics at each meal; if they do that then we don’t fight them on clearing their plates. Let them have reasonable freedom and they will likely give you more than reasonable control.
Don’t Turn into a Two Year Old
It is so easy to start to act like a two year old when you are dealing with one, in good or bad situations. This goes for all ages of parenting, but especially here. They will hit, bite, pinch, and scream just to start things off. Our daughter says “I am so frustrated with you!” Guess where she learned that one? Yep, she is using our own words against us. Be careful not to start to act like a little kid when dealing with one. Never hit, bit, pinch, or scream back it them. This is a terrible road to even consider and it will destroy the trust and love your child has for you. It is very hard not to fight back in kind, but with practice it is much easier to act like an adult and not be swayed. I like to sing nice silly songs or soft lullaby’s to stay in control and sometimes this helps the kid regain control as well.
Acting like an adult is easier to do when you remember how absurd the actions of your two year old are. They will also more readily be able to trust and love you when you don’t respond like they would.
A side note here. It is always amazing to get a raw look into the mental make up of your child. I was reading my 4 and 2 year old kids a book titled “Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus” by Mo Willems. The book basically tells you to not let the pigeon drive the bus, and leaves you to argue with the pigeon. Reading this book with my kids I asked them what they should do or say in response to the pigeons begging, prodding, teasing, and goading. They almost always would give in after the first page or two. I asked them why they would let the pigeon drive the bus? Their response was basically that they would because he asked, no other reason than that. They see no reason why they shouldn’t give in to a cogent request.
Think about that when your dealing with them the next time they are begging for something, or you hear the same request again for the umpteenth time. They see no reason why you would say no. Often they see no logic at all in most of what they do. Remember to be the adult, they really need it!
Treat them as the Person You Want Them to be
Dealing with the terrible twos is really hard, but if you treat them like the person you want them to become and they have the potential to be, they will gradually grow into it. Who wants a spoiled, selfish, and controlling child? A way to get there is to give in and treat them like that. Treating them as you would want them to be, responsible, loving, and kind will help them to be so. We praise our kids for doing nice things, and let them know they should be proud of themselves for what they were able to do. Praise and reward the actions and deeds you want them to have, and when it becomes second nature to them slowly wean off the rewards, but increase the praise. This works amazingly well for us.
Give a lot of Love
After all this give them a lot of love! If they are throwing a fit for something you need to let them know they can’t have it. You can in the meantime and through the entire process let them know that you love them and that that hasn’t changed because you said no to something else. This will help you as well to say no when you need to. They will often get mad that you offer love instead of brownies or whatever they wanted but in the back of their minds they will know that you do love them.
What ideas do you have for dealing with terrible twos? I would love to do a follow up post on dealing with the terrible twos more productively, so let me know your ideas and struggles!
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